Axios: Drop your defenses

Posted on August 13, 2026 by michelleclarke2015
Drop your defenses
Animated illustration of a framed piece of art hanging on a wall, with a moving image of a waving white flag on the canvas.
Illustration: Brendan Lynch/Axios. Stock: Getty Images
 
Ever heard the phrase “hat in hand”? Ever tried to embody it?

🎩 It’s perhaps the least natural way for me to operate in the world. But I’ve been trying it more, Axios’ Natalie Daher writes.Why it matters: For all sorts of reasons, we can default to defensiveness when a partner, friend or co-worker tells us we’re doing something wrong. That pesky habit can end a conversation that’s supposed to clear the air.

TIME’s Angela Haupt recently put together a useful guide to getting less defensive.

🖼️ The big picture: Defensiveness often feels more like setting the record straight. But it can make us more entrenched in our own perspective and less able to hear someone else’s.

“The more defensive we become, the lonelier we become,” psychiatrist Jeff Katzman tells TIME.

🏳️ A few tactics for waving the white flag:
1. ❤️‍🔥Notice your physical warning signs. Maybe your chest tightens or your pulse spikes.

That can tell you to slow down and take a beat before responding.

2. 🪞 Figure out what feels threatening. Often, it’s not the point you’re arguing about. It’s your sense of yourself: that you’re thoughtful, caring or good at your job.

That can make a simple request seem like a personal attack.

3. 🫱 Trade certainty for curiosity. One of my favorite parts of aging is the creeping acceptance that I’m not nearly as certain as I once thought. In fact, I know very little at all.

I took improv for two weeks and quit out of shame and mortification. But one tenet survives: “Yes, and.

“The idea applies here: Acknowledge the other person’s experience. Hearing somebody out doesn’t require surrendering your own viewpoint.

4. 🧮 Find the 2% truth. New York clinical psychologist Eli Kraiem, who specializes in couples therapy, uses this frame: Even if you think 98% of a critique is bunk, identify and own a small piece of it.

5. 😈 “Always” and “never” are devil words. “But” isn’t your friend either. They invite generalizations, and can incite the other party.

6. 🧰 Keep a repair line handy.

Try: “Help me understand what I’m missing here.

“Or go for the apology: “I’m sorry. Can we try that again?

“The bottom line: Hat in hand doesn’t mean admitting you’re wrong about everything. It means dropping the impulse to win long enough to hear what the other person is trying to tell you
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About michelleclarke2015

Life event that changes all: Horse riding accident in Zimbabwe in 1993, a fractured skull et al including bipolar anxiety, chronic fatigue …. co-morbidities (Nietzche 'He who has the reason why can deal with any how' details my health history from 1993 to date). 17th 2017 August operation for breast cancer (no indications just an appointment came from BreastCheck through the Post). Trinity College Dublin Business Economics and Social Studies (but no degree) 1997-2003; UCD 1997/1998 night classes) essays, projects, writings. Trinity Horizon Programme 1997/98 (Centre for Women Studies Trinity College Dublin/St. Patrick's Foundation (Professor McKeon) EU Horizon funded: research study of 15 women (I was one of this group and it became the cornerstone of my journey to now 2017) over 9 mth period diagnosed with depression and their reintegration into society, with special emphasis on work, arts, further education; Notes from time at Trinity Horizon Project 1997/98; Articles written for Irishhealth.com 2003/2004; St Patricks Foundation monthly lecture notes for a specific period in time; Selection of Poetry including poems written by people I know; Quotations 1998-2017; other writings mainly with theme of social justice under the heading Citizen Journalism Ireland. Letters written to friends about life in Zimbabwe; Family history including Michael Comyn KC, my grandfather, my grandmother's family, the O'Donnellan ffrench Blake-Forsters; Moral wrong: An acrimonious divorce but the real injustice was the Catholic Church granting an annulment – you can read it and make your own judgment, I have mine. Topics I have written about include annual Brain Awareness week, Mashonaland Irish Associataion in Zimbabwe, Suicide (a life sentence to those left behind); Nostalgia: Tara Hill, Co. Meath.
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