The Harvard Gazette. Want to feel more loved. Forget changing yourself. Change coversation

Health

Want to feel more loved? Forget changing yourself. Change conversation.

Two psychologists offer science-backed framework on how to improve relationships

March 19, 2026 7 min read

Excerpted from “How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most” by Sonja Lyubomirsky ’89 and Harry Reis.

“Just be yourself.” It’s a cliché we’ve all heard before, maybe even rolled our eyes at. But when you’re in a relationship or friendship where you’re not feeling as loved as you’d like to feel, what does that expression actually mean? We’ve suggested that many people aren’t being themselves: Instead of showing themselves, they show off themselves. Yet herein lies both a paradox and a blessing. The paradox is that feeling loved is earned not through achieving perfection but through presenting more of your full self — your values, experiences, quirks, and dreams, even the small, unpolished details of your daily life. Sharing your struggles and imperfections can build connection, too, but feeling loved isn’t just about revealing your flawed, imperfect self — it’s about revealing what truly matters to you.

To be clear, feeling loved doesn’t hinge on oversharing or baring your soul to just anyone. It doesn’t mean unloading your trials and tribulations in the first five minutes after meeting. It means selectively and progressively revealing parts of yourself in a way that fosters genuine connection.

The blessing is that showing your full self is fully within your control. In fact, it’s a lot easier than contorting yourself into someone else’s ideal image. Many people believe that in order to feel more loved, they must persuade others to love them more — as if they were trying to sell someone a new car. Years of empirical studies and observation suggest that this approach is ineffective. That’s why our message is different: Feeling loved is more — much more — about you (and your mindset) than about trying to persuade the other person that you are worthy.

Yet people often behave in ways that work against feeling loved: They hide their deepest thoughts, emotions, flaws, and past misbehaviors because they are afraid of what others might think, or they fear being embarrassed or exploited. Paradoxically, the more you hide your innermost self and the less of yourself you reveal to others, the harder it is to feel truly loved and valued by the significant people in your life. This is a principle strongly supported not only by anecdotal evidence but also by relationship science. 

Moreover, when you focus on how you are coming across to others, your attention is drawn to what you are doing — for instance, trying to say just the right thing, while doing your best to make sure your shortcomings are hidden, so that you are seen as witty or attractive or brilliant. Ironically, this approach to relationships puts your attention in exactly the wrong place. You’ll find that you actually make the best impression when you focus your attention on the other person.

How to Feel Loved book cover.

It’s worth noting that unveiling the complexity of your multifaceted “true” self will almost always leave you feeling vulnerable because you are exhibiting your true colors and risking losing the other person’s regard. However, vulnerability is not the goal; it is simply a necessary preliminary step. Ironically, showing weakness will make room for you to feel genuinely loved because you’ll finally be confident that the other person is appreciating and loving the real you. (Otherwise, whatever love or admiration they express will ring hollow.) To paraphrase Nobel Prize winner André Gide: It is better to be known for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. Humility and authenticity and a caring interest in others create the conditions for you to feel fully known.

In summary, then, three things have to happen for you to feel loved:

1. You have to share the complexity of your full, multifaceted self — both your strengths and your contradictions — with the other person. (No, this isn’t as simple as saying, “Let me tell you everything.”)

2. The other person has to notice what you’ve shared.

3. The other person has to care about what you’ve shared.

How do you increase the chances that the other person will notice and care? The answer is simple — you go first! That means you first need to notice and care — to show curiosity — about their multifaceted self. It may seem counterintuitive initially, but in order to create a context for sharing more of yourself, you need to focus not on yourself but on your conversation partner. You encourage them to notice and care about your full self by first noticing and caring about their full self. To feel loved by them, you begin by making them feel loved by you.

This step begins a back-and-forth process that we call the Relationship Sea-Saw. Imagine yourself and the person you wish to feel more loved by sitting on a seesaw submerged under water (hence, the deliberate spelling of Sea-Saw). Only parts of your multilayered selves are visible above the surface — these are the aspects you feel safe to share, the parts that the other person sees and loves when they tell you that they love you.

However, consider what happens when you give the other person your undivided attention — when you approach them with curiosity, listen deeply to their response, and bring to the interaction genuine warmth and an appreciation for their multidimensional self. By doing so, you help lift their self a bit higher out of the water, making more of their true self visible. When they feel truly seen, valued, and accepted — not just for their best qualities but for their whole richly textured self — they will also feel more loved by you than ever before.

Continuing with this metaphor, by pressing down, you are placing the full weight of your attention on the other person, lifting them up. As the focus shifts to them, your own self becomes temporarily more submerged. Essentially, you’re holding them up and providing them support, you’re creating the conditions that make it possible for them to open up, to be fully known, and to feel safe in revealing more of who they truly are.

Importantly, this step of lifting the other person higher isn’t a sacrifice — it’s simply a stage in a cycle. When the other person experiences the security of being deeply understood and accepted, they’re likely to reciprocate. They, too, may express curiosity in you and listen to you more attentively and warmly, embracing your full complexity with an open heart. In doing so, they help lift more of your full self above the surface, enabling more of you to be seen, understood, and valued. In this way, the act of truly knowing and loving someone else becomes the very thing that opens the door for you to feel truly known and loved in return. It’s a virtuous cycle of connection: The more connection is experienced, the more love, as well as the greater curiosity about and care for each other, is felt.

If you don’t feel loved enough, we have a profound and empowering message for you: Feeling loved is not out of your control. For some, it will require a radical shift in how you orient toward conversations with loved ones. For others, it will simply call for more practice of that muscle that enables you to deeply know another person and become deeply known by them.

Because the secret to feeling more loved is not about changing yourself or about changing the other person — it’s about changing the conversation.

© 2026 by Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis. Reprinted courtesy of Harper Books, an imprint of HarperCollins. Available wherever books are sold.

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Viktor Orban: Brussels. Situation Report

Ray Kinsella

@ProfRayKinsella

Ireland was blackmailed too– Ireland caved in Hungary stood its ground

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GZERO: Rahm Emanuel: Trump doesn’t know “friend from foe” on Russia. Trump’s Cuba “test”

Rahm Emanuel: Trump doesn’t know “friend from foe” on Russia

GZERO Staff

March 20, 2026

Rahm Emanuel says the arrival of Russian oil tankers in Cuba is a direct test of whether President Trump can distinguish between political theater and a real strategic threat.

As Russian oil tankers head toward Cuba, former Chicago mayor, White House chief of staff, and US ambassador to Japan Rahm Emanuel argues that the moment is about much more than sanctions or shipping lanes. In this clip from an upcoming episode of GZERO World, Emanuel says it is a real-world test of whether President Trump knows his allies from his enemies when it comes to Vladimir Putin.“This president does not know the difference between friend and foe,” Emanuel says, pointing to what he views as a contradiction in Trump’s approach to Russia. He frames the tankers’ arrival as a deliberate move from Moscow: “There are two Russian tankers on the way to Cuba. This will be a test.”


Will the United States confront Russia, or look the other way?

Watch the full conversation starting Friday, March 27, on PBS and on GZERO Media’s YouTube channel.

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Neuroscience.com. How Brains Sync for Group Survival

How Brains Sync for Group Survival

FeaturedNeurosciencePsychology

·March 19, 2026

Summary: Survival is often painted as a “lonely” race, but new research suggests that for social species, the group functions as a single, self-correcting organism.

The study reveals that the prefrontal cortex (the brain’s decision-making center) doesn’t just track an individual’s own needs—it models the behavior of everyone around them. When the “social drive” of one member fails, the rest of the group automatically compensates to ensure the collective’s temperature remains stable.

Key Facts

  • The “Huddle” Dynamics: Researchers identified four social “moves” in mice facing the cold: actively joining a huddle, being sought outleaving, or being left behind.
  • Modeling the “Other”: The prefrontal cortex tracks the choices of social partners as closely as its own. It essentially runs a continuous simulation of the group’s collective state.
  • Automatic Compensation: When researchers silenced the prefrontal cortex in some mice—making them “passive”—their healthy groupmates instantly became more active. They sought out the passive mice to keep them warm, keeping the total huddle time and body temperatures identical.
  • The “Tipping Point”: The study found that certain collective behaviors only emerge in larger groups, suggesting a “social math” where the brain calculates strategies based on the number of available partners.
  • Health Implications: Because conditions like depression and schizophrenia involve social withdrawal, understanding these “resilience circuits” could lead to new ways to treat social isolation.

Source: UCLA

People may think of survival as an individual act—every animal (and person) for themselves.

But a new study from UCLA suggests that when it comes to facing hardship together, social groups may function more like a unified system than a collection of separate individuals.

The research, published in Nature Neuroscience, explored how mice huddle together for warmth in the cold and what that means for shaping group behavior and collective survival strategies.

Why it matters

At a time when social isolation is recognized as a serious health risk, and conditions like depression and schizophrenia are understood to involve disruptions in social connection, findings like these offer new insights into our understanding of social decision-making and group cohesion more broadly.

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What the study did

Researchers tracked groups of mice moving freely during cold exposure, using behavioral and thermal imaging to study how they organized themselves for warmth. They identified four distinct ways an individual might end up in a huddle: actively choosing to join, being sought out by others, choosing to leave, or being left behind, and monitored brain activity in the prefrontal cortex, the region involved in decision-making and social behavior. They then selectively silenced that brain region in some animals within each group, leaving their groupmates untouched, to see what would happen to the collective.

What they found

 The prefrontal cortex tracked not just an animal’s own choices, but those made by its social partners, suggesting the brain is continuously modeling the behavior of others, not just the self. When that region was silenced in some animals, those animals became passive, waiting for others to come to them.

What happened next was remarkable: their untouched groupmates automatically became more active, compensating so precisely that overall huddle time stayed the same and every animal’s body temperature remained stable.

No individual animal directed this; the group simply self-corrected. The study also found that animals huddle far more in larger groups, pointing to a kind of collective behavior that only appears when enough individuals are together.

What’s next

Researchers now want to understand how the brain weighs an internal signal (“I’m cold”) against a social one (“my groupmate isn’t moving”), and how those two signals merge into a single decision. They’re also investigating how the prefrontal cortex interacts with the hypothalamus, the brain’s thermostat, to coordinate these responses.

From the experts

“When one individual in a group is compromised, the group doesn’t fall apart—it adapts. That collective resilience is encoded in the brain, and we’re now beginning to map the brain circuits behind it,” said Tara Raam, first author and co-corresponding author of the study and a postdoctoral scholar at UCLA’s Social Neuroscience Laboratory.

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“Our findings suggest that to really understand how the brain controls behavior, we need to look beyond the individual and consider the whole group.”

“This research shows that the brain not only helps individuals survive, it also helps groups coordinate collective responses to the challenges we face together,” said Weizhe Hong, senior author of the study and professor in the UCLA Departments of Neurobiology and Biological Chemistry.

“Understanding how groups think and act as one is one of the most exciting frontiers in neuroscience today.”

Key Questions Answered:

Q: Does this mean the group has a “hive mind”?

A: Not quite a hive mind, but a coordinated system. Think of it like a sports team: if one player stops running, the others naturally pick up the slack to cover the field. This study proves that our brains are hardwired to notice when a “teammate” is struggling and to adjust our own behavior to protect the whole “team.”

Q: How does the brain know to prioritize the group over being cold?

A: This is the next frontier for the UCLA team. They believe the prefrontal cortex (the “social brain”) talks to the hypothalamus (the “thermostat”). The brain weighs the internal “I’m cold” signal against the social “my friend is alone” signal. In a healthy group, the social signal is strong enough to trigger a rescue mission.

Q: Why is this important for humans?

A: We often treat mental health as an individual problem. This research suggests that social health is a group property. When one person “disconnects” due to illness or trauma, the resilience of their social circle—how well the group adapts to bring them back in—is a biological process encoded in our neural circuits.

Editorial Notes:

  • This article was edited by a Neuroscience News editor.
  • Journal paper reviewed in full.
  • Additional context added by our staff.

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About this social neuroscience research news

Author: Alana Prisco
Source: UCLA
Contact: Alana Prisco – UCLA
Image: The image is credited to Neuroscience News

Original Research: Closed access.
Cortical regulation of collective social dynamics during environmental challenge” by Tara Raam, Qin Li, Linfan Gu, Gabrielle M. Elagio, Kayla Y. Lim, Jay Y. Taimish, Xingjian Zhang, Norma P. Sandoval, Stephanie M. Correa & Weizhe Hong. Nature Neuroscience
DOI:10.1038/s41593-026-02224-0


Abstract

Cortical regulation of collective social dynamics during environmental challenge

Animal groups often collectively coordinate their behavior to withstand environmental challenges, yet the neural circuitry underlying such collective social dynamics remains unclear.

Here we show that groups of mice self-organize into huddles under cold stress. We quantified the thermoregulatory benefits of huddling using thermal imaging and internal temperature loggers, which revealed that it stabilized core body temperature by increasing thermal contact points and reducing heat loss.

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We next characterized decision-making processes that govern huddling dynamics and found that mice employed both active (self-initiated) and passive (partner-initiated) strategies to enter or exit a huddle. Microendoscopic calcium imaging revealed that active and passive decisions are encoded in distinct neuronal ensembles within the dorsomedial prefrontal cortex.

Chemogenetic silencing of dorsomedial prefrontal cortex activity selectively reduced active decisions in targeted mice but elicited compensatory increases in non-manipulated partners, preserving overall group-level huddle time.

These findings uncover a cortical mechanism by which social groups collectively adapt to maintain homeostasis under environmental challenge.

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Neuroscience.com Dopamine GPS.

Dopamine GPS: Visual Guidance Beyond Reward

FeaturedNeurologyNeuroscienceVisual Neuroscience

·March 19, 2026

Summary: For decades, dopamine has been cast as the brain’s “reward” chemical—the hit of pleasure when we get what we want. However, a new study reveals that dopamine also serves as a sophisticated guidance system.

By studying mice in visually cued environments, researchers discovered a second, distinct dopamine signal that acts like a GPS, calculating “trajectory errors” in real-time to tell the brain whether it is moving toward or away from a goal.

Key Facts

  • The Trajectory Signal: Unlike the “value” signal (which fires based on how good a reward is), this new dopamine signal encodes whether current direction and speed are correct. It increases as you approach a goal and decreases if you veer off course.
  • The Striatum Map: These guidance signals are located in the striatum (part of the basal ganglia). Researchers used new optical imaging to find that “value” and “guidance” signals occupy overlapping but distinct spatial gradients.
  • Independence from Reward: This GPS-like function operates independently of the classic reward response, using different sensory and motor inputs to steer behavior.
  • Speed Scaling: The signal scales with the animal’s movement speed, providing a high-fidelity “real-time” update—similar to how a driver uses landmarks to confirm they are on the right road home.
  • Clinical Implications: Understanding this “guidance” role could revolutionize treatments for Parkinson’s, ADHD, and addiction, where the ability to steer behavior toward goals is often disrupted.

Source: Boston University

A Boston University-led research team has discovered a dopamine signal in the brain that helps determine whether you are moving toward or away from a goal potentially shedding new light on how the brain uses visual information to guide behavior. 

The study recently published in Nature examined behavior in mice to show that when they encounter visual cues, dopamine in the striatum located in the basal ganglia, encodes “trajectory errors” or signals that indicate whether their current direction and speed are carrying it toward or away from its goal. These “guidance signals” operate independently from dopamine’s classic reward value responses and arise from different sensory and motor inputs. 

The findings offer insight into how the brain uses environmental cues to steer behavior and could inform the development of more targeted therapies for conditions involving dopamine dysfunction, including Parkinson’s disease, addiction, OCD, and ADHD. 

“This discovery reveals that dopamine isn’t just about how valuable something is,” said Mark Howe, Boston University College of Arts & Sciences assistant professor of psychological and brain sciences. “It’s also about whether you’re headed the right way. It’s a guidance signal, one that tells the brain to keep going or make a correction.” 

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A New View of Dopamine’s Role 

For decades, dopamine has been widely understood as the brain’s “reward” chemical, firing when encountering cues associated with something positive. But this new research shows that visual cues also trigger a second, distinct dopamine signal, one that increases when you move toward a goal and decreases when you move away. 

This trajectory error signal even scales with movement speed, making it ideal for real time course correction, like how humans might use familiar signs or landmarks while driving home. 

Seeing the Brain in New Detail 

The team developed a new method that allowed them to measure the dopamine signals optically across many regions throughout the entire striatum. 

By mapping these signals, the researchers found the value and trajectory error signals appear in overlapping, but orthogonal spatial gradients within the striatum, and that they also occur at different moments in time. Together, this separation allows the brain to keep the two messages distinct: one for motivation, one for guidance. 

Future Work 

Howe and his collaborators are now working to manipulate these signals in specific ways to probe the causal impacts on learning and online control of decisions. They are also examining how the signals influence downstream components of the circuit. 

“Dopamine is just the input to the striatum,” said Howe, who is also affiliated with Boston University Rajen Kilachand Center for Integrated Life Sciences & Engineering. “We want to understand how these signals shape the activity of downstream circuits to ultimately regulate behavior”  

The team is also investigating broader questions: How do these signals translate into changes in movement? Are they essential for learning, online decision-making, or both? These remain key avenues for future research. 

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Funding: This work was supported by a Klingenstein-Simons Foundation fellowship, Whitehall Foundation Fellowship, National Institute of Mental Health and the NIH Jointly Sponsored Predoctoral Training Program in the Neurosciences award.  

Complete information on authors, funders, methodology, limitations, and conflicts of interest is available in the published paper.  

Key Questions Answered:

Q: Does this mean dopamine isn’t the “pleasure chemical” anymore?

A: It still handles reward, but we now know it has a second job: Navigator. Think of the “reward” signal as the destination and the “trajectory” signal as the turn-by-turn directions. Without this second signal, you might be motivated to reach a goal but have no idea how to steer yourself there.

Q: How does this help explain ADHD or Parkinson’s?

A: In these conditions, we know dopamine is out of balance. If the “guidance” signal is weak, a person might struggle to stay “on track” with a task, not because they aren’t motivated (reward), but because their brain isn’t providing the constant “keep going” feedback needed to finish the journey.

Q: Can we see this happening in humans?

A: While this study used mice and advanced optical sensors, the striatum is an ancient part of the brain shared by all mammals. This suggests that when you are navigating a crowded room or driving a familiar route, your dopamine levels are likely fluctuating to keep you on the right path.

Editorial Notes:

  • This article was edited by a Neuroscience News editor.
  • Journal paper reviewed in full.
  • Additional context added by our staff.

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About this neuroscience research news

Author: Jennifer Rosenberg
Source: Boston College
Contact: Jennifer Rosenberg – Boston College
Image: The image is credited to Neuroscience News

Original Research: Closed access.
Striatum-wide dopamine encodes trajectory errors separated from value” by Eleanor H. Brown, Yihan Zi, Mai-Anh Vu, Safa Bouabid, Jack Lindsey, Chinyere Godfrey-Nwachukwu, Aaquib Attarwala, Ashok Litwin-Kumar, Brian DePasquale & Mark W. Howe. Nature
DOI:10.1038/s41586-025-10083-1


Abstract

Striatum-wide dopamine encodes trajectory errors separated from value

Goal-directed navigation requires animals to continuously evaluate their current direction and speed of travel relative to landmarks to discern whether they are approaching or deviating from their goal.

Striatal dopamine release signals the reward-predictive value of cues, probably contributing to motivation, but it is unclear how dopamine incorporates an animal’s ongoing trajectory for effective behavioural guidance.

https://9900f86f01b6350ab4e1c6489ca7a6fe.safeframe.googlesyndication.com/safeframe/1-0-45/html/container.html

Here we demonstrate that cue-evoked striatal dopamine release in mice encodes bidirectional trajectory errors reflecting the relationship between the speed and direction of ongoing movement relative to optimal goal trajectories.

Trajectory error signals could be computed from locomotion or visual flow, and were independent from simultaneous dopamine increases reflecting learned cue value.

Joint trajectory error and cue-value encoding were reproduced by the reward prediction error term in a standard reinforcement learning algorithm with mixed sensorimotor inputs. However, these two signals had distinct state space requirements, suggesting that they could arise from a common reinforcement learning algorithm with distinct neural inputs.

Striatum-wide multifibre array measurements resolved overlapping, yet temporally and anatomically separable, representations of trajectory error and cue value, indicating how functionally distinct dopamine signals for motivation and guidance are multiplexed across striatal regions to facilitate goal-directed behaviour.

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George Kennan spoke of “Containment” and it applies to Europe but this graphic makes an interesting statement too. Ivor Cummins on X

==========

George Frost Kennan was an American diplomat and historian. He was best known as an advocate of a policy of containment of Soviet expansion during the Cold War. He lectured widely and wrote scholarly histories of the relations between the USSR and the United States. Wikipedia

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Larry Johnson spoke on CNN in Turkey. “Israel wants all Arabs and Muslims to die…”

A clarification taken from AI:

Nile Euphrates

1 hour ago

The idea that Israel desires to expand its territory from the Nile River (Egypt) to the Euphrates River (Iraq/Syria), often termed “Greater Israel,” is a subject of intense political debate, historical dispute, and ideological speculation, rather than an official or mainstream government policy.

Here is a breakdown of the different perspectives and context surrounding this claim:

1. The “Nile to Euphrates” Claim (Greater Israel) 

  • Biblical and Historical Context: The concept stems from a biblical verse (Genesis 15:18-21) describing the “Promised Land” granted to Abraham’s descendants, spanning from the “river of Egypt to the great river, the Euphrates”.
  • Expansionist Views: Certain far-right Israeli groups, religious Zionists, and settler movements cite this religious prophecy to argue for the inclusion of Palestinian territories and parts of neighboring countries into a larger Jewish state.
  • Palestinian and Arab Perspective: Many in the Arab world, including Palestinian officials, interpret this vision as the ultimate goal of “Zionist colonialist expansion,” aiming to exploit resources and rule the region.
  • Arguments Against the Claim: Many scholars and critics argue that this claim is a misunderstood, paranoid, or fabricated trope, noting that it is not the policy of the Israeli state and that Israel withdrew from the Sinai Peninsula (Egypt) in 1982, which it once occupied.
  • Recent Rhetoric: In early 2026, comments by U.S. Ambassador to Israel Mike Huckabee, stating it would be “fine” if Israel took all the land from the Nile to the Euphrates, caused a firestorm, though he later claimed it was “hyperbolic” and walked it back, stating Israel is not seeking that land. BBCBBC +8

2. Israel and Europe Relations

  • Diplomatic and Trade Ties: Israel does not seek to include European countries into its own territory. Instead, it maintains deep economic and political relations with the European Union.
  • EU Reviews Ties: Due to the conflict in Gaza and concerns over human rights, the EU has reviewed its association agreement with Israel, a move driven by countries like Spain and Ireland.
  • Membership Aspirations: Despite not being geographically in Europe, public opinion polls from 2004 and 2011 showed high support (over 80%) among Israelis for applying for EU membership. WikipediaWikipedia +4

3. “Greater Israel” Patches and Rhetoric

  • Recent reports have mentioned Israeli soldiers sometimes wearing “Greater Israel” patches, and right-wing figures calling for expansion in Gaza and the West Bank.
  • Opposition leader Yair Lapid and others have criticized far-right, expansionist narratives, highlighting deep divides in Israel over the country’s borders. YouTubeYouTube +4

In summary, while a “Greater Israel” covering from the Nile to the Euphrates is an ideological goal for certain religious and right-wing groups, it is not the defined policy of the State of Israel. Regarding Europe, Israel is pursuing deeper diplomatic integration with the EU, not territorial expansion. 

AI responses may include mistakes. Learn more

23 sites

  • US ambassador’s Israel comments condemned by Arab and Muslim …Reuters. Mike Huckabee, pictured in September, has long been a supporter of Israel. Arab and Muslim governments have condemned rem…BBC
  • What is Greater Israel, and how popular is it among Israelis?Defining Greater Israel. The most expansionist claim for a Greater Israel is based on a biblical verse (Genesis 15:18-21), which n…Al Jazeera
  • US envoy suggests it would be ‘fine’ if Israel expands across Middle East’It would be fine if they took it all,’ Mike Huckabee says when asked about expanding Israel from the Nile to the Euphrates. Liste…Al Jazeera·Al Jazeera Staff

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Tom Wright X: Release from President Trump

Tom Wright

@thomaswright08

·

This is all deflection. He has no idea how to reopen the Strait so he’s trying to blame Europe for not doing its bit. If he knows that that’s what he’s doing then the damage to transatlantic relations should be limited. However, if he actually convinces himself of it, it’s a different matter.

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Press from Lebanon; the risks involved to get the news to keep the world informed. Thankfully Steve Sweeney survived.

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GZEROQUICKTAKE: Ian Bremmer. Trump asks for $200 BILLION to fund Iran war

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