When children lie: a sign that goes beyond deception
It’s not about tolerating harmful behavior, manipulation or deception, but about understanding the function of lies, and addressing the underlying psychological need that sustains them
Madrid – APR 23, 2026 – 21:26 CEST
There’s a saying: “A lie has short legs,” meaning that lies are often uncovered, as the truth always comes out in the end. Or perhaps not, because lying might be an art form for the person doing it, and they may never be caught. But what happens when the lies come from a family member? “Rather than confronting the situation, it’s usually more helpful to understand the function of the lie, because affection and lying aren’t always incompatible,” explains Dr. Belén Gutiérrez, a child and adolescent psychiatrist and psychotherapist. And it’s precisely within the family environment where lying takes on a deeper meaning. “It’s where defensive lies tend to appear most often, precisely because it’s where we have the most emotional stakes,” Gutiérrez explains. “The stronger the bond, the greater the fear of disappointing or losing the image the other person has of us,” this expert affirms.
The way emotions are expressed within the family, and whether telling the truth is punished, is crucial. “In environments where showing emotions is penalized, where making mistakes leads to humiliation, or where conflict cannot be discussed, lying can become entrenched as a survival strategy,” she continues. In other words, when a child lies, it doesn’t always have to be malicious; it can stem from others’ discomfort with the truth: “Often, there is little tolerance for the discomfort that the truth would cause.”
When someone close to us lies habitually, it’s easy to focus solely on the behavior and react with anger or frustration. However, if we stop there, we can miss valuable information. This is the view of Elena Sánchez Escobar, a psychologist and clinical director of the Yees psychology center in Spain. “That person may have learned that their opinion isn’t considered valid, that their needs aren’t being heard, or that expressing their feelings can generate conflict or disproportionate reactions from others. In that context, lying doesn’t emerge out of nowhere, but rather as a strategy that, at some point, has allowed them to adapt,” she argues.
Sánchez Escobar asserts that it’s necessary to ask ourselves several questions: “What space are we creating for a child to express themselves honestly? How do we react when they say something we don’t like?” Sometimes, without realizing it, we contribute to making the truth harder to uphold than a lie.
Traits of a person with a tendency to lie
Trust within family bonds is one of the pillars that sustain affection. A research article published in the scientific journal Springer Nature last November 2025, titled “The effect of interpersonal trust on trustees’ deception,” explains how interpersonal trust reduces deception and concludes that lies depend not only on the level of trust but also on personality. Thus, even in a family environment where trust exists, a person may lie if personal factors exert a greater influence on their behavior.
For clinical psychologist and psychodramatist Constanza Vásquez, one of the most important aspects of understanding deception is focusing more on the relationship with the person than on the content of the lie. “Lying is not an anomaly, but a universal, and sometimes even functional, human behavior. A child may lie to adapt or regulate their emotions, which helps them avoid punishment, conflict or negative consequences from their parents,” she argues.
As Vásquez explains, anyone who lies, whether an adult or a child, may do so to protect their self-esteem. “It has to do with how I present myself to others to avoid shame or guilt, or to gain material or symbolic advantages,” she explains. “It’s not about saying ‘that’s a lie,’ but rather about changing it to: ‘I find it hard to trust you when things aren’t clear,’” she adds. In this way, she explains, the focus of the accusation shifts to the relationship itself, which helps maintain clear boundaries.
It’s not about tolerating harmful behavior, manipulation, or deception, but about understanding the function of the lie. “It can help to ask ourselves: ‘What purpose does lying serve to this person?’” Vásquez asks. For this expert, setting boundaries without attacking or getting into arguments about each lie is a good way to deal with it. There are also personality traits that lead a person to lie, such as the need for quick solutions—if lying solves something, they’ll do it—discomfort in the face of doubt or uncertainty, or viewing situations in terms of practical results. “Lying isn’t corrected by exposing it; understanding the psychological need that sustains it is usually more effective, since constant confrontation can reinforce the problem.”
For example, “white lies” are often told to protect the other person, to make a good impression, or to reduce social friction. “Some lies or ‘little white lies’ make it easier to live together and adapt to the reality I live in, but others can damage the bond and erode the relationship,” notes Constanza Vásquez. In the latter case, or when lying becomes pathological, it’s best to consult a professional.
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