WE SHALL NOT CEASE FROM EXPLORATION

AND THE END OF ALL OUR EXPLORING

WILL BE TO ARRIVE WHERE WE HAVE STARTED AND

KNOW THE PLACE FOR THE FIRST TIME

T.S. ELIOT – THE FOUR QUARTETS

Christmas 2001 – these are the quotations I put together at that time which reflects a very dark period in my life; a time when Black Dog resonated through my being.  This year I am so deplete of energy I am unable to gather together the quotations as I usually do for the New Year 2018.  It has been a year of further illness only this time it is breast cancer and over the Christmas period I was having chemotherapy and my mother unexpectedly had a massive stroke on the 23rd December and passing away on the 28th at 5.40 am in the Mater Hospital having been admitted through A&E so I am battling Black Dog again but this time my partner KT of 14 years is here to support me.

My Christmas gift (December 2001)……..I have spent several years reading in my quest to find answers to questions and seeking affirmation that one can be depressed and have a life too.    I really want to assist progress for those who are ‘still victim’s of society’s prejudices’. I have a considerable number of quotations collected now and include some that relate to what I wrote about.

Selection of Quotations chosen December 2001

This provides as apt a description of depression as one can find.

‘It was the onset of a mysterious numbness that crept into my whole being, caused me to want to die, closed down all my connection with the basic ingredients of life, colour, activity, conversation and relationships…I could not feel the wind on my face, the hand that clasped mine, my sister’s death from cancer, the ground under my feet, the meaning of anything I heard or read.  I was alone in the deep dark tunnel and there was no end to it, it seemed I simply sat there – mute, pitiable and wasted’

Sr. Joan , a Franciscan nun quoted in The Pummeled Heart Finding Peace through Pain by Antoinette Bosco 1994

‘I wake and feel the fell of dark, not day’

‘…O Lord send my roots rain’

Gerard Manley Hopkins (Jesuit Priest the poet)

The Pummeled Heart

The writer’s youngest son had manic depression. For 10 years he struggled and apparently coping with his working life and friends – Aged 27 he committed suicide.           The fact is he didn’t heal, in his words (incomplete he wrote)

‘My life is like a Rolls Royce without spark plugs.

It looks great, but it has the hidden flaw that keeps it from running properly’

 What people generally do not realise is that Depression is a physical illness and also is embedded in silence.

‘What is called an reason for living is also an excellent reason for dying.’

Camus

“I have always felt terrible pain at the news of a suicide successfully carried out. My heart cries out: But where was your neighbour? Was there no-one to listen to your pain? Did no-one in your environment have an answer to life? Where are the Christians? The suicide tells us that no-one offered anything to live for. The solutions were not worth the effort. Their death is an accusation to us all and a terrible challenge to reach out to others we meet on life’s journey.”

Suffering – The Unwanted Blessing (1990) by: Frances Hogan

‘Pain’ is the root of knowledge’

Simon Weil

‘The Saints state the importance of self knowledge. This is acquired by observing one’s actions, from listening to others, reflecting on our behaviour, by meditating on the word of God and taking counsel from others who have experienced something similar’.

Choose Life – The Two Ways by Frances Hogan

‘What we do not understand, we do not possess’

Goethe

It is now 5 men to every one woman who commit suicide – 40% are men under the age of 30.  Note: the suicide rate rises and falls with alcohol consumption.  Excessive intake of alcohol has implications re. depression

‘Nothing is more powerful than the emptiness from which men shrink’

Chinese Sage – Lao-tzu

‘Kindness in words creates confidence

Kindness in thinking creates profoundness

Kindness in giving creates love’

Lao Tao (16th century)

I can never repay what has been done for me, throughout my period of ill-health – there are too many people and many names or faces I am unable to remember. This quote I must rely on:

‘One can never pay in gratitude

One can only pay in kind

Somewhere else in life

Thanksgiving is about passing it on.’

Anne Morrow Lindberg

Conclusion 2001 and now 17 years later I include these quotes once more; I have met many more good people but the foregoing quote is still one of the most important.

2018

Did youtube exist in 2001? I am going to assume it didn’t and I am going to select this song by Pete Seeger “Where have all the flowers gone…” for inclusion in this years quotations. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1y2SIIeqy34

Bibliotherapy or just simply reading quotations can lift your mood enough to carry you through.  I recommend Viktor E. Frankl.

‘We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread.  They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way’.

Michelle Clarke

Change of address notification:  This was December 2001 when I moved house yet again.

No longer exist

Mobile phone: 086-8922592                 Text Only. I do not answer or make phone calls.

Email: miclarke@gofree.indigo.ie

via Nietzche ‘He who has the why to live can bear almost any how’ co Morbidities: is there a better way?

THE BURREN, BISHOP’S QUARTER

See the sullen sweeps of Burren
Bend to meet the moody sea
Down below a stud valley
Which is always home to me.

Men of kindness and of courage
Sons of centuries toil
Coaxing out a narrow living
From a sparse reluctant soil

Wives and children of the Burren
Homes that show the light of love
As they grapple there with nature
The sea skies of blue above

When my years have had their living
When at last it is time to die
Bring me back to BALLYVAUGHAN
IN GOD’S HEAVEN LET ME LIE

Our dear James Peter rests in Ballyvaughan and is at peace.

Poem written by: Sir James Comyn, formerly of Belvin Hall, Tara, Co. Meath

and London SW3

Today, Eleanor Rose Clarke nee Comyn http://www.meathchronicle.ie/news/roundup/articles/2017/12/29/4150219-death-of-skryne-gp-dr-rose-clarke/  joins her Father Mother Aunts Uncles and of course her dear first cousin JJ in Bishop’s Quarter graveyard.  It is in Bishop’s Quarter that the Comerford Blake-Forster Vault is located; but both Marcella, Eleanor Rose’s mother and Eleanor Rose have decided to be buried in the Comyn grave.  Ironically, both the Comyn’s and the Blake-Forster are related to the Macnamara’s (Caitlin Macnamara married Dylan Thomas) http://www.clarelibrary.ie/eolas/coclare/genealogy/don_tran/fam_his/TheMacnamarasofDoolinEnnistymon.pdf so the storm of New Year’s Eve named Dylan https://www.irishtimes.com/news/environment/storm-dylan-hits-ireland-with-winds-of-almost-120km-h-1.3341918 and the storm named ‘Eleanor’ https://www.irishtimes.com/news/environment/storm-dylan-hits-ireland-with-winds-of-almost-120km-h-1.3341918heralded the arrival of Eleanor Rose to the world beyond that described so eloquently described by JJ in the poem above.

Insert:– Co Clare and Galway – how families intertwine through centuries and all meet back where as JJ wrote “See the sullen sweeps of Burren Bend to meet the moody sea”.

“There is peace even in the storm” Vincent Van Gogh. 1st January 2018 I, eldest and oldest daughter of Eleanor Rose attended my Mum’s funeral and read the 1st reading and last Prayer of the Faithful.

Aine was in charge of me again today.  KT and Sally left me to the hospital.  KT waited with me for an hour.  My weight this time was 80.8 kilos.  Aine took my bloods and I awaited for about an hour until the results said it was okay to proceed with the treatment.  There was a problem with the first set of bloods so efficiently rather than waiting Aine decided to take a second set of bloods and send them to the laboratory. This time I have gathered a little more information.  You get a wristband which has a bar code on it and each machine checks out the bar code and your date of birth so this is how data is being logged.  When the drip fed medication arrives, two nurses, read out the details and confirm them with your bar code and date of birth.

The woman in the chair next to me was really organised between the smart phone and the tablet; she told me you just connect to their Wifi.  This woman had decided to have the Cold Cap but she admitted that she had still lost half of her hair and that each time you have treatment you have to go through the same timely procedure of having the cold cap administered and that she took pain killers to stop the headache.  This reassured me because cold and depression are very closed linked and I being bipolar did not want to take the risk with extreme cold to my head.  She had lots of information about the radiotherapy which I didn’t know and had a great sense of fun about everything.  I explained about my Mum and I was tearful but she was kind.  Professor Crown did his rounds and I must say is a committed Oncologist, able, capable and resolute.  What is important is that the patient feels they can trust the person who is part of a team who are dedicated to improving the quality of life of a person diagnosed with breast cancer (Herceptin 2).  I sat in the chair from before 9 am until 3 pm.  Aine gave me my next appointment card and told me that I would only be getting Herceptin 2 and that my appointment was for the afternoon at 2 pm.  I left the hospital, it was snowing so I got a taxi home.

The importance of community is essential; it may be a town, or may be a smart urban village like Upper Baggot Street, Dublin 4, but it is essential.  Boots Pharmacy – Seana, Khalida and Carol had all my medication prepared for me both before and after the last treatment.  The Neulasta has to be taken between 24 and 48 hours after the last session of chemotherapy.  KT collected the injection which has to be stored in the fridge and successfully injected it into my tummy.  The woman sitting beside me told me that the Neulasta costs e1,000 just for the prick of a needed but that in the US it costs US$7,000+ so Pharmaceutical companies somewhere are making huge gains.  A community means you get to know people and they know you,  It is in times of sadness you see the goodness in people.  Our friend of many years now met with us and I mentioned to him about Fr John Sullivan SJ.  Only recently I had mentioned him to my Mum and she had said that when she experienced a crisis period in her life she had gone in search of this priest in Gardiner Street.  You may think you know everything about a parent but 5 decades on I had never known about this.  Joe arranged with his sister Pauline to take me to Gardiner Street for the monthly mass,  This man is beatified.  His coffin rests at the Church.  When the mass ended people were invited to kiss the preserved relics.  This man is beatified and it is hoped he will be made a Saint when Pope Francis visits Ireland.

Fr John Sullivan SJ: a loyal servant of God 1861-1933 – Fr. John …

https://frjohnsullivan.ie/2014/…/fr-john-sullivan-sj-a-loyal-servant-of-god-1861-1933…

The ravages of cancer seemed to hold no fear for Fr Sullivan. In 1929, John Nevin, who lived at Betaghstown, near Clongowes, was dying of cancer of the face. One side of his face was almost entirely destroyed. The doctor attending him described it as one of the worst cases he had seen and found it difficult himself to …

For people diagnosed with cancer even if you have no Religion, kindness and dedication to the sick is a noble act and this man was one exceptional human being.

30th January 2018:  I received a phone call from Anne Marie to know if I had received a letter regarding the schedule for radiotherapy.  I hadn’t but I attended the appointment at 10.30 am today.  The use the machine and they do a plan, which is reviewed alongside the team and Professor Armnstrong, for the 19 sessions of radiotherapy which is schedule each day Monday to Friday.  I await the start date.  What is interesting about this is that we are moving closer and closer to where technology really disrupts what was a bureaucratic system of medicine.  Your details are assembled by the secretary, a photograph is taken and then you are handed a card.  The card has a bar code which you scan each time you arrive for radiotherapy and then you give same to whoever needs the data.   You have your own specific code.  Artificial Intelligence is here but unless you are confronted we underestimate its power within medicine.   However, the card does not replace all hard copy; you are given details relating to patients receiving radiotherapy to the breast/chestwall.

Brief summary:  You may be able to get the full details on http://www.svph.ie

St. Vincent’s Private Hospital (Part of St Vincent’s Healthcare Group

Radiotherapy to the breast/chestwall.

What is Radiotherapy?

It is a treatment using high energy x-rays that targets the site of the cancer.  “Radiotherapy has clear benefits as it is a localised treatment which destroys any microscopic cells and reduces the risk of recurrence”.  The detailed five sheets outline the first appointment which is to plan the treatment which involves having a computed tomography scan (CT) scan.  This takes images of your body, using X-rays and processes them using a computer.  All angles produce detailed images and this means greater ability to target your treatment more effectively.   Further details concern the Radiotherapy treatment which is done on a machine and is called Linear Accelerator.  Then there is an extensive list of side effects and recommendations to minimalise effects.  Attached is also a General skin care advice for patients receiving Radiotherapy.

Providing written details empowers the patient to become involved in their treatment and that is a positive.  Having read Eric Topol ‘The Patient will see you now’ I wholly endorse the inclusion of the patient in whatever medical treatment they receive.  The written format is the added advantage that you can keep it in your priority box.  The chemo brain syndrome, from my experience as a person with severe memory deficits due to traumatic brain injury, would say it is better to have the hard copy of Radiotherapy and for that matter Chemotherapy/Oncology in the written format.

 

Overwhelmed and just one month since my Mum passed away; my routine is chaos but I am just taking each day as it comes.  Freddie my beloved dog has decided to come out in sympathy with me and we are back and forward to the vets and the last news we received today is he needs an ultrasound.  It never rains but it pours.  Freddie is young; he came from Dogs in Distress so we know that he had a bad beginning in life but I hope he gets a good prognosis.

To end this chapter I can only take account of the love my Mum had for dogs; which she had all her life and report this piece in the Daily Telegraph 29th January 2018.  Mum had a Shih Tzu called Benji.  The strange part is to some of Mum’s friends from a certain era in her life, they called her Rosie and in this article the name of the owner was Elena and it was Elena, the nurse who phoned me to tell me to come to the Mater at 5.40 am 28th December 2018.  I was 20 minutes late but Elena was with my Mum.

Elena has this brilliant idea:  Leads2Love for single people looking for a mate.  The other link is that Elena’s partner’s name is Russell Canny (an unusual name: and I think my Mum said she was related to Canny’s in Clare).

Meath Chronicle:  Obituary  http://wordpress.com/post/canisgallicus.com/5647

Next treatment is 2 pm but I am finished with chemotherapy; the treatment will be intravenous drip of Herceptin.

via Breast Cancer: Chemotherapy 2 at St. Vincent’s Private Hospital 5th December 2017 and Chemotherapy 3, 27th December 2017. 5.40 am this morning 28th December 2017, my Mum passed away. Chapter 3

via Depression: Spike Milligan died in March 2002. This is a synopsis of his journey with manic depression by Michelle Clarke

via Pope Francis: bureaucracy and costly system currently in place for Church Annulments. A Path to Justice for one condemned by men in black in hidden Canonical courts by Michelle Clarke

SPIKE MILLIGAN DIED MARCH 2002

THE GOONS,

SPIKE MILLIGAN SUFFERED FROM MANIC DEPRESSION

TV PROGRAMME ABOUT HIS LIFE – 7^th March 2002.

There is a huge price to be paid in loneliness. Spike spoke of an overly active brain, moving in all dimensions. He reported that he had a very strong feeling that he could not cope with children. He said that mistakes made, remain with you as persecutors. His first marriage broke up due to his wife’s adultery. Spike proved in retrospect highly critical of his contribution to the marriage. He deemed himself to be too watchful of what his wife was spending. He also deemed the system wrong that she was held responsible through adultery for the divorce grounds and not his mental illness. (Ironically, I thought the reverse when it applied to me and as it still does in the eyes of the Church).

He was a romantic and very much in love with his first wife. He referred to a ‘token suicide’ that he attempted after she left. He acknowledges it was a ‘cry for help’. This led on to the characteristic period of withdrawal from society. To try and redress the balance over the grounds for divorce, he wrote a book of poems.

Quite interestingly, his four children stated that they were happy to have been brought up by their father despite his ‘ups and downs’.  It is worth noting that eccentric behaviour can be so appealing to children.   He used to engage in games with their imagination. He would write notes and hide them and the children would find them – it constructed an imaginary game. These notes would be signed by the Pixies and Fairies.

My fondest memories of JJ, my cousin, (a manic depressive) with whom I spent a considerable amount of time and who also knew Spike, were his visits from England nearly every weekend.  JJ would sit in the black chair in the kitchen in Belper, our rambling home. Shane (his Godson) and I could swish around the chair amusing ourselves greatly. Basically, Shane and I ‘tortured the man’ in our childish ways. I had lots of questions and used to like combing his virtually non-existent hair. Now I know why he just sat – unlike others he never tried to tickle us or catch us. I know why now because I am the next generation family member with manic depression. When I see my nieces and nephew, I am like a ‘sack of potatoes’ – Lithium and the other medications have side effects. Muscle weakness occurs and strength is minimal. The great thing is the human brain adjusts so you can be the passive being with young people and put your mind into play and create imaginary jaunts that might equally entertain them. We are talking about Vicarious Compensation. We need to openly recognise this. Holistic education exists in Canada and it is my belief that it is critical to teach people ‘life coping skills’ and make others aware of differences that exist between people.

Spike Milligan had a socially driven mindset. He hated the hardship in the world. His view for the future of the human race was negative. Being a creative, he tended to take world problems and issues on his own shoulders as if they applied to him personally. I truly understand this. Two of ‘us’ who had been part of the Trinity Horizon Programme – a rehabilitation workshop for women with depression, shared our deep concern about Foot and Mouth last year – it proved to have serious effects for both of us. Our rational minds told us it was irrational but not our emotions….

The tendency when Spike started thinking was to keep adding on – never going back and consolidating a point – his mind would be moving too fast. His mind was very active and away ahead of others. This is often referred to as ‘racing thoughts’.

This Manic Depressive (Bipolar) illness is best viewed as:-

•  THE TAP BEING ON OR THE MIND CLOSED
•  NOTHING   –   I AM WORTH NOTHING

Spike Milligan served in the Second World War and sums it up best himself when he said ‘I ran out of guts’. He was discharged with Battle Fatigue/Shell Shock as mental disorders were described at that time.  Basically, he left the war, a manic depressive. After his mental illness, he would often comment ‘I did that when I was alive’

Spike Milligan was friendly with Peter Sellers. Peter Sellers would refer to Spike’s ‘Mad Abstract’ mind but that he was a very likeable man.  Spike Milligan’s work always attracted a ‘special type’ of audience. The kind that would move from laughter to near hysteria. Spike was deemed to thrive off the ideas of another and their thoughts became the springboard for his mind to move in all directions. He could generate so many ideas but never really had time to write them down.  Even when admitted to the mental hospital, he continued to write frenetically. To behave this way – there is an obsessive characteristic embedded behaviour.  Logic did not apply for Spike. He would continually change rules and add in more and flow onwards.

Think of Spike being asked for a few kind words and the reply to come:-

‘Librium, Valium etc.’

He believed it was perfectly okay to have a show with no beginning – no end. He would interrupt and input – no problem.  Spike was fascinated by what people want. The aim according to the way he thought was about making each other laugh.

Spike Milligan liked instant decisions and was extremely disciplined.

• THE KEY IS TO FIND SOMEONE TO FOCUS THE PERSON (especially if they are a manic depressive).
• THE MIND IN THE CASE OF A MANIC DEPRESSIVE IS DIVERSE.

Michelle: Hence now at 43, I know why I could not concentrate at school, it took a skull fracture and brain damage to teach me to focus……….most of the time………

ENJOY THE DIVERSITY OF PEOPLE AND LIFE!!!!!!

Michelle Clarke

Revised: 22/06/02

Revised: 27th April 2019

via Citizen Journalism Ireland: The Dew of Dear Tara (Susan Isabella Sheehan Repasky (Flicker Light Studio America) and Michelle Clarke) 2007

via Suicide: Time to consider impact on other people, those who live on by Michelle Clarke